oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You were trust falling into bushes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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