Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just pee around me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
