Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
