I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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