remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
