There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
God I need to hump something, right now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
