he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
