I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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