if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
