two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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