I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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