420 ftw
Pappa wants mamma naked
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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