Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
