Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
