Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
