How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
