some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
