Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
