I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
