he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Where is the hickey?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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