Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
