awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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