My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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