I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
