I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
