If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
