I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
