i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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