I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you will always have a special place in my vag
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We smell like vodka and hangover
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