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• (410): View more from Maryland

  To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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• (585): View more from New York

  Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right

  (631): View more from New York

  Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15

  (585): View more from New York

  hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos

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• (585): View more from New York

  The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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• (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.

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• (936): View more from Texas

  We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?

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