i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
