just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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