??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
