if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
