I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
