she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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