How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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