I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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