me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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