the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
