I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
