: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
