I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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