when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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