Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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