Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
