After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
