Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
