i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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