Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize