Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
