she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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