Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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