I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
