I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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