Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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