the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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