The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
