My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
