We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
